Too much baggage. Here I am being engulfed with remnants of memories, some of which I have hung on for far too long and some that I hope I'll never ever forget in my lifetime. The usual songs when I'm emoing are playing in the background. Funny how I always prefer to fall back on the familiar when I'm dissecting my life apart and trying to repiece them together.
It's been too long and I frankly don't have the strength to plough on with this bag of weights slowing me down anymore. I always forgive but unfortunately I don't forget. I have come to realise that my priorities are gradually changing and that I can no longer afford to hang onto meaningless promises and dreams built out of thin air. The slightest gestures mean the world to me. But without them, I'm unable to drive myself forward. So let me be selfish. Unlock the shackles and let me break away.
Monday, 1 December 2008
Monday, 10 November 2008
XXX Amsterdam XXX
This city has it all. Honestly. Absolutely brilliant depsite the fact that a slice of pizza and a small cup of coffee cost 6 euros. Everything's overpriced, they obviously know how to cash in on the tourists but what the heck man, the Amsterdam experience is priceless!
You've got to be very careful here. It's a dangerous city where you could easily die from being run over by a 'feet' (bicycle). The sheer number is just scary. And the way the locals ride them is scarier than the mat rempits back home.
This is not a bicycle scrapyard. It's a bicyclepark. How people recognise their wheelies I have no idea. With that number, the rate of thefts is still surprisingly high. And they are as cheap as 10 euros if you buy them from some dodgy guy in the alleys. Pointless buying pricey ones when they are just going to end up being stolen or found in the water of one of the many canals. 
Your eyes didn't deceive you. It's not the angle of the camera either. The buildings are slanted. Not because some people miscalculated and tried to pass it off as art. It actually served as a practical solution for the narrow build in that the beams at the top of those buildings meant goods/furniture/electrical appliances and the all important mattress could actually be transported into the house itself from the street via a pulley system without damaging the exterior. Coz simply trying to negotiate the teeny weeny stairs will not work. How the tallest nation grew to have a fascination for small things like these houses, smart cars, absinthe (i bet it's because they come in small shots), miniature food and possibly small people? is a wonder.
Maybe it's because of the international exposure it has had for yonks before you and me were born. It all started with herbs and spices trading. (And then people trading etc).
This is Multatuli, the guy who came up with a brilliant plan to foil attacks from pirates and thus saving the trade industry. By the way, Multatuli means "I've ejaculated". How very apt for Amsterdam.
With its colourful history, it's obviosly a cosmopolitan city. There's a whole load of food variety here and surprise surprise not just in Chinatown. Indonesian, Japanese, Korean, Western...Name it and you'll get it almost in any street. Even the guy in the 4th act of the 'live theatre' show was unmistakably foreign. Looks Thai to me. Ok that's a different story. Wait... Back to food first. Proper edible food ;)
This... ladies and gentleman is FEBO. It is the best invention EVER!!!!I'm not saying that because the Febo guy gave me 5 extra hot, richly filled creamy croquettes FOC on top of the 2 I actually paid for. Yup he just decided to present us with a trayful of goodies when he was on his break and asked us to help ourselves out of the kindness of his heart. People like that actually do exist k :) Seriously the Febo croquettes are absolutely yummy. I was too in love with the one I tried that I didn't bother trying other flavours or other stuff like the burgers, fries etc. But whoever came up with this idea of hot yummy food that comes out of vending machines, he/she is indeed a genius. At that point in time, it didn't matter that I was soaked from the rain or that I was trembling from the cold, all that was at stake was what came between me and my next bite. And obviously, NOTHING could stop me until I was physically too full (or maybe if I had ran out of coins if the free ones didn't come in time).. Ahhh Febo...:)))))
After food naturally comes drinks. This is where you see the word Heineken every 5 seconds either on the billboards, on hotel roofs, chillers. Oh as hip and cool as Amsterdam is, smoking and public drinking are illegal. But if you are discreet, it's tolerable. Yeah there will be no NYPD style drama if you start lighting up and walk around with a small bottle of lime Bacardi. The police there are not that free la... Haiyo...
Plus if you do it with style, you'd most probably get away with anything. As long as it's discreet. That's the keyword in Amsterdam. Like drugs. It is illegal in Amsterdam. I know. I'm just as surprised. Imagine only finding out when you are sitting in a dingy cell in some tempat tahanan. But then again, the definition of discreet sure is variable. It's easy enough to find hash lollies and space cakes in regular stores and they are super duper cheap. That's coz they only have a placebo effect. Might as well save those cash for Febo :) There are a couple of shops which sells the real thing though. And these are manned by professionals who can advise you on the amount, type, technique which would be suitable for you ensuring you don't strip and run around naked in the streets or jump down the building after having some magic vegetables from "Smart"shops or coffee which leaves you buzzing with a different high than the one you get from Starbucks.
If you fancy some in a 'safe(r)' environment look for those that can be easily recognised by long queues of people or big fat cats lazing about who look so doped up to even blink at the sight of mice. There's one really packed one where Ocean 12 was filmed. And they play the movie clip repeatedly on their big screen. Speak of the attraction of Hollywood hehe...
Now not everything's illegal (officially) here. Like gambling. But I wouldn't recommend it. If there's one thing crap about Amsterdam, it's their casinos. Boring as hell. Maybe that's why they are known as the city of sex, drugs and drinks rather than say god of gamblers.Oh yes, the red light district...
There's an old church right in the middle of the red light district which was once booked by a blur Disney employee for a company function. But it all turned out well when some sort of last minute agreement between the child-friendly company and the residents ensured that the curtains of the many display windows were drawn tightly for that morning. Yeah, the area is alive 24/7, anytime of the day and the selection is vast. When I say vast I really mean VAST. Mainstream, young, err not so young, toned, flabby, different hues, heights etc tapping at the glasses. And they work 8 hours shift each. So, if you are damn _______(insert your own excuse), then go and window shop again 8 hours later. Price. Costly if you are an amateur and striking a deal without detailing what exactly you want beforehand can be rather foolish. Man, a woman CAN take 15 minutes to undress even with just a 2-piece bikini on and that's your time up ahahahaha....
There are also video cabins for discreet single individual action as an alternative if you really cannot tahan. Seriously boys have no self-control... I'm starting to like the word discreet :) Whatever it is, stay safe boys! Oh and bear in mind, this IS a legal profession like any other. And PLEASE PLEASE treat the women with respect. If you are wondering, there's no human trafficking involved. With the giant spotlight on the city, it's plain impossible. They don't take just any girl on the street. You've got to be an EU citizen and like any other job, have the right aptitude. Above 18s don't qualify either, you have to proof you have what it takes by maybe working in 'erotic nightclubs' (live sex theatres whatever you want to call them) first.
They are tonnes of these but the most popular/or rather touristy two would be the elephant one (can't remember the name except for the giant pink elephant in front of the premise) which is the most expensive at 35 euros per person and Moulin Rouge at 25 euros per person and if the 'bouncer' likes you, you get two free drinks included in the admission fee. Hahaha it's otherwise 35 euros with drinks. See why I love Amsterdam? Lots and lots of freebies, there are even free guided tours of the city! A snapshot of Moulin Rouge acts include strip dancing, women with talented vaginal muscles, sex games and ended with a couple having sex. Oh and you might well be picked for audience partcipation as well. In summary, I'd describe it as a heavy sex-themed comedy show rather than anything sleazy. Only one act was hot. My guy friend fell asleep when we looked his way. Though he might have pretended since he wanted to stay for another repeat round. Hmmm... Maybe the gajah one would have been less amateurish and more sizzling. That said Moulin Rouge was good fun. The bouncer was nice and we got free drinks also. So I give it a 3.5 star like our Hotel Ibis not Iblis la hehehe....
I hereby declare that I do not condone or edge or peer-pressure any vices on anybody OK? Any decision or action made is the result of your own machinery's inbuilt programme in that little hollow box of yours, the one on top your neck. Amsterdam is a lovely city with beautiful sights and sounds and has lots to offer for those into pure clean fun (yeah right). Seriously honestly. There's something for everybody. It is the safest place to be if you wanna let loose and go indulge in a little vice if it's your kinda thing, if not, just chill and have fun :)
Compare the two pictures. The first shows how the Dutch kiss whereas the latter Glaswegians. No wonder the lady in one of the acts repeatedly shoved the hands of one of the invited audience on stage away as his hands magically keeps creeping up to her hips and thighs. And Amsterdam IS safer than Glasgow. Enough said :)
Have a good day !!! xoxoxoxoxo
P/S: Again the pics are courtesy of my friend. I didn't take many as I was busy gaping at the distractions:)
You've got to be very careful here. It's a dangerous city where you could easily die from being run over by a 'feet' (bicycle). The sheer number is just scary. And the way the locals ride them is scarier than the mat rempits back home.
This is not a bicycle scrapyard. It's a bicyclepark. How people recognise their wheelies I have no idea. With that number, the rate of thefts is still surprisingly high. And they are as cheap as 10 euros if you buy them from some dodgy guy in the alleys. Pointless buying pricey ones when they are just going to end up being stolen or found in the water of one of the many canals. 
Your eyes didn't deceive you. It's not the angle of the camera either. The buildings are slanted. Not because some people miscalculated and tried to pass it off as art. It actually served as a practical solution for the narrow build in that the beams at the top of those buildings meant goods/furniture/electrical appliances and the all important mattress could actually be transported into the house itself from the street via a pulley system without damaging the exterior. Coz simply trying to negotiate the teeny weeny stairs will not work. How the tallest nation grew to have a fascination for small things like these houses, smart cars, absinthe (i bet it's because they come in small shots), miniature food and possibly small people? is a wonder.Maybe it's because of the international exposure it has had for yonks before you and me were born. It all started with herbs and spices trading. (And then people trading etc).
This is Multatuli, the guy who came up with a brilliant plan to foil attacks from pirates and thus saving the trade industry. By the way, Multatuli means "I've ejaculated". How very apt for Amsterdam.
With its colourful history, it's obviosly a cosmopolitan city. There's a whole load of food variety here and surprise surprise not just in Chinatown. Indonesian, Japanese, Korean, Western...Name it and you'll get it almost in any street. Even the guy in the 4th act of the 'live theatre' show was unmistakably foreign. Looks Thai to me. Ok that's a different story. Wait... Back to food first. Proper edible food ;)
This... ladies and gentleman is FEBO. It is the best invention EVER!!!!I'm not saying that because the Febo guy gave me 5 extra hot, richly filled creamy croquettes FOC on top of the 2 I actually paid for. Yup he just decided to present us with a trayful of goodies when he was on his break and asked us to help ourselves out of the kindness of his heart. People like that actually do exist k :) Seriously the Febo croquettes are absolutely yummy. I was too in love with the one I tried that I didn't bother trying other flavours or other stuff like the burgers, fries etc. But whoever came up with this idea of hot yummy food that comes out of vending machines, he/she is indeed a genius. At that point in time, it didn't matter that I was soaked from the rain or that I was trembling from the cold, all that was at stake was what came between me and my next bite. And obviously, NOTHING could stop me until I was physically too full (or maybe if I had ran out of coins if the free ones didn't come in time).. Ahhh Febo...:))))) After food naturally comes drinks. This is where you see the word Heineken every 5 seconds either on the billboards, on hotel roofs, chillers. Oh as hip and cool as Amsterdam is, smoking and public drinking are illegal. But if you are discreet, it's tolerable. Yeah there will be no NYPD style drama if you start lighting up and walk around with a small bottle of lime Bacardi. The police there are not that free la... Haiyo...
Plus if you do it with style, you'd most probably get away with anything. As long as it's discreet. That's the keyword in Amsterdam. Like drugs. It is illegal in Amsterdam. I know. I'm just as surprised. Imagine only finding out when you are sitting in a dingy cell in some tempat tahanan. But then again, the definition of discreet sure is variable. It's easy enough to find hash lollies and space cakes in regular stores and they are super duper cheap. That's coz they only have a placebo effect. Might as well save those cash for Febo :) There are a couple of shops which sells the real thing though. And these are manned by professionals who can advise you on the amount, type, technique which would be suitable for you ensuring you don't strip and run around naked in the streets or jump down the building after having some magic vegetables from "Smart"shops or coffee which leaves you buzzing with a different high than the one you get from Starbucks.
If you fancy some in a 'safe(r)' environment look for those that can be easily recognised by long queues of people or big fat cats lazing about who look so doped up to even blink at the sight of mice. There's one really packed one where Ocean 12 was filmed. And they play the movie clip repeatedly on their big screen. Speak of the attraction of Hollywood hehe... 
Now not everything's illegal (officially) here. Like gambling. But I wouldn't recommend it. If there's one thing crap about Amsterdam, it's their casinos. Boring as hell. Maybe that's why they are known as the city of sex, drugs and drinks rather than say god of gamblers.Oh yes, the red light district...
There's an old church right in the middle of the red light district which was once booked by a blur Disney employee for a company function. But it all turned out well when some sort of last minute agreement between the child-friendly company and the residents ensured that the curtains of the many display windows were drawn tightly for that morning. Yeah, the area is alive 24/7, anytime of the day and the selection is vast. When I say vast I really mean VAST. Mainstream, young, err not so young, toned, flabby, different hues, heights etc tapping at the glasses. And they work 8 hours shift each. So, if you are damn _______(insert your own excuse), then go and window shop again 8 hours later. Price. Costly if you are an amateur and striking a deal without detailing what exactly you want beforehand can be rather foolish. Man, a woman CAN take 15 minutes to undress even with just a 2-piece bikini on and that's your time up ahahahaha....
There are also video cabins for discreet single individual action as an alternative if you really cannot tahan. Seriously boys have no self-control... I'm starting to like the word discreet :) Whatever it is, stay safe boys! Oh and bear in mind, this IS a legal profession like any other. And PLEASE PLEASE treat the women with respect. If you are wondering, there's no human trafficking involved. With the giant spotlight on the city, it's plain impossible. They don't take just any girl on the street. You've got to be an EU citizen and like any other job, have the right aptitude. Above 18s don't qualify either, you have to proof you have what it takes by maybe working in 'erotic nightclubs' (live sex theatres whatever you want to call them) first.They are tonnes of these but the most popular/or rather touristy two would be the elephant one (can't remember the name except for the giant pink elephant in front of the premise) which is the most expensive at 35 euros per person and Moulin Rouge at 25 euros per person and if the 'bouncer' likes you, you get two free drinks included in the admission fee. Hahaha it's otherwise 35 euros with drinks. See why I love Amsterdam? Lots and lots of freebies, there are even free guided tours of the city! A snapshot of Moulin Rouge acts include strip dancing, women with talented vaginal muscles, sex games and ended with a couple having sex. Oh and you might well be picked for audience partcipation as well. In summary, I'd describe it as a heavy sex-themed comedy show rather than anything sleazy. Only one act was hot. My guy friend fell asleep when we looked his way. Though he might have pretended since he wanted to stay for another repeat round. Hmmm... Maybe the gajah one would have been less amateurish and more sizzling. That said Moulin Rouge was good fun. The bouncer was nice and we got free drinks also. So I give it a 3.5 star like our Hotel Ibis not Iblis la hehehe....
I hereby declare that I do not condone or edge or peer-pressure any vices on anybody OK? Any decision or action made is the result of your own machinery's inbuilt programme in that little hollow box of yours, the one on top your neck. Amsterdam is a lovely city with beautiful sights and sounds and has lots to offer for those into pure clean fun (yeah right). Seriously honestly. There's something for everybody. It is the safest place to be if you wanna let loose and go indulge in a little vice if it's your kinda thing, if not, just chill and have fun :) 
Compare the two pictures. The first shows how the Dutch kiss whereas the latter Glaswegians. No wonder the lady in one of the acts repeatedly shoved the hands of one of the invited audience on stage away as his hands magically keeps creeping up to her hips and thighs. And Amsterdam IS safer than Glasgow. Enough said :) 
Have a good day !!! xoxoxoxoxoP/S: Again the pics are courtesy of my friend. I didn't take many as I was busy gaping at the distractions:)
Cologne, Germany
When you are skinned and kiam but wanting to go on holiday, the best way out is to search through Ryanair's site. If you have an adventurous streak or rather 'super kiam' nature, you'd go for the cheapest flight and end up randomly booking cheap flights to a place you've never heard of which is quite exciting really. Until you find out Ryanair's 'Dusseldorf airport' is not even in Dusseldorf which by the way has its own international airport. Thank goodness for the invention of internet and soon enough we found ourselves on the bus to Cologne which is 1.5 hours from the airport. We did pass Dusseldorf on the way but thought that we'd rather explore Germany's 4th biggest city first.
But seriously, how many monuments and castles and buildings can one see? Clearly there's a reason why I'm not in architecture. I know of people who enjoy going to these places etc, but unrefined me who think all Scottish castles are similar got bored to the point of thinking that the Cologne Cathedral looks eerily familiar. Reminds me of Marischal College. Yeah despite the fact that I spent an entire year of my life being holed up in Marischal's basement, I have yet to be able to appreciate the difference in their intricacies :)
The miserable weather didn't help either. The only thing that caught my eyes there were the bakery stores which I miss sorely. The Scots should really learn from the Germans on how to make quality pastries.
After a day of scoffing on sugar, the high still hasn't kicked in, so we decided to leave for somewhere more promising. Hopped on ICE (the intercity express train) and we were in Amsterdam in 2.5 hours :)
P/S: Pics were taken by one of my travelling partners :)
But seriously, how many monuments and castles and buildings can one see? Clearly there's a reason why I'm not in architecture. I know of people who enjoy going to these places etc, but unrefined me who think all Scottish castles are similar got bored to the point of thinking that the Cologne Cathedral looks eerily familiar. Reminds me of Marischal College. Yeah despite the fact that I spent an entire year of my life being holed up in Marischal's basement, I have yet to be able to appreciate the difference in their intricacies :)
The miserable weather didn't help either. The only thing that caught my eyes there were the bakery stores which I miss sorely. The Scots should really learn from the Germans on how to make quality pastries.
After a day of scoffing on sugar, the high still hasn't kicked in, so we decided to leave for somewhere more promising. Hopped on ICE (the intercity express train) and we were in Amsterdam in 2.5 hours :)
P/S: Pics were taken by one of my travelling partners :)
Tuesday, 28 October 2008
The Quarter Century Wish
I can't get it out of my head. Those bluish-gray eyes looking at mine pleading for help. The ravaged body doubled up in pain. The grimace on her face trying to accept the onslaught.
Gone is the smile that would greet me no matter how bad life has messed her up. Gone is the low pitched voice that she would muster no matter how tired she was. Gone is the fine barrier between tolerable and torture.
And all I could do was watch. The other pair of eyes were set on me. If I felt helpless, how then must he have felt being there almost 24/7? I then realised he was not the pushy guy like the ignorant lot of us though he was. He had to do what he has been doing all along because that was all he could do. Not because he wanted to but he had to. And all I could do was watch. Those eyes pierced right through me.
That day was supposed to be special for me but it turned out to be a stressful one. That was until I saw her that evening. If I could have one wish that day, it would be for her to be comfortable in her remaining days. I heard the last minute phonecall I made that night managed to turn things around. For now. I hope enough to bring a smile back to her face. Now that I'm on leave, I know I won't ever see her again. Not phycically. The mental image will remain vivid though. The smile, the voice, the writhing body, the bluish-gray eyes.
Gone is the smile that would greet me no matter how bad life has messed her up. Gone is the low pitched voice that she would muster no matter how tired she was. Gone is the fine barrier between tolerable and torture.
And all I could do was watch. The other pair of eyes were set on me. If I felt helpless, how then must he have felt being there almost 24/7? I then realised he was not the pushy guy like the ignorant lot of us though he was. He had to do what he has been doing all along because that was all he could do. Not because he wanted to but he had to. And all I could do was watch. Those eyes pierced right through me.
That day was supposed to be special for me but it turned out to be a stressful one. That was until I saw her that evening. If I could have one wish that day, it would be for her to be comfortable in her remaining days. I heard the last minute phonecall I made that night managed to turn things around. For now. I hope enough to bring a smile back to her face. Now that I'm on leave, I know I won't ever see her again. Not phycically. The mental image will remain vivid though. The smile, the voice, the writhing body, the bluish-gray eyes.
Wednesday, 22 October 2008
I'll Breathe (if there's fresh air >.<)
I'm not a control freak. Honestly! Neither am I a perfectionist. Ok maybe in some rare circumstances I am. But why is it that when I let go and leave things to others, something somewhere goes wrong? Or the task has not been completed up to my standards?
OK note to self. Breathe. BREATHE. I certainly can't take on too much and must learn to let go. So let it be. Chill. CHILL.
BREATHE. BREATHE. Yargghhh !!!
OK note to self. Breathe. BREATHE. I certainly can't take on too much and must learn to let go. So let it be. Chill. CHILL.
BREATHE. BREATHE. Yargghhh !!!
Sunday, 5 October 2008
Something To Smile About
These were drawn in the dark by a 4-year old who was feeling particularly rebellious on a certain night when she was actually supposed to be in bed and they will have me grinning from ear to ear for days to come...
The first thing that struck me was the unmistakable artistic flair. This is so classic! Our genetic predisposition to abstract art is so obvious here ;)
Then there's my name. Now, this is the first of many versions that I have ever seen it spelled and I think it's cute ;) Afterall my name is not an easy one, with adults getting it wrong most of the time anyways. So I am loving Ukira, especially since it's a creation of the adorable Maxine's ingenuity :) I could imagine her sitting there trying to figure it out especially after me giving her a spelling task earlier in the day in an effort to con my way out of playing chess with her.
"Teach me how to play chess"
"Yeah later k?"
"Later after when?"
"After I finish eating"
"Let's play chess. It's 9 o'clock already. Just now you said later after 9"
"I didn't say after 9. I said later... after infinity to be exact"
"When is infinity?"
"Aha! I'll play now itself if you can guess"
At this juncture she was obviously very puzzled, and so I made it easier...
"OR if you can spell infinity"
And she got it after some thought, trials and warning of last chance hehe. But she has yet to figure out what infinity means. If she did, she wouldn't be drawing me pictures way past her bedtime, would she? Hahahaha... The thing is I still owe her a chess game! I weasled my way out of it and convinced her into playing a "suitable for 4-year old-kid" board game instead hehe... Haiyo, imagine teaching a beginner to play when I myself haven't played in almost 15 years? I'm not surprised if the kid who was baffled when I said Mickey Mouse and friends live in the US and therefore do not speak Chinese when she was watching the dubbed version (despite not understanding Chinese herself, aiyo this budak ah), will be the one insisting to teach me chess in a few years down the road ;)
She's also left me wondering about signing off with a rocket on her drawing. Well, I assume it's a rocket which means that her political affiliation has developed seriously extremely prematurely early man. OR it's actually not a rocket but a candle? I don't know, but I have a feeling this girl is trying to send apolitical me a message involving a certain party. A rocket in the dark?!!?? LOL!
The first thing that struck me was the unmistakable artistic flair. This is so classic! Our genetic predisposition to abstract art is so obvious here ;)
Then there's my name. Now, this is the first of many versions that I have ever seen it spelled and I think it's cute ;) Afterall my name is not an easy one, with adults getting it wrong most of the time anyways. So I am loving Ukira, especially since it's a creation of the adorable Maxine's ingenuity :) I could imagine her sitting there trying to figure it out especially after me giving her a spelling task earlier in the day in an effort to con my way out of playing chess with her.
"Teach me how to play chess"
"Yeah later k?"
"Later after when?"
"After I finish eating"
"Let's play chess. It's 9 o'clock already. Just now you said later after 9"
"I didn't say after 9. I said later... after infinity to be exact"
"When is infinity?"
"Aha! I'll play now itself if you can guess"
At this juncture she was obviously very puzzled, and so I made it easier...
"OR if you can spell infinity"
And she got it after some thought, trials and warning of last chance hehe. But she has yet to figure out what infinity means. If she did, she wouldn't be drawing me pictures way past her bedtime, would she? Hahahaha... The thing is I still owe her a chess game! I weasled my way out of it and convinced her into playing a "suitable for 4-year old-kid" board game instead hehe... Haiyo, imagine teaching a beginner to play when I myself haven't played in almost 15 years? I'm not surprised if the kid who was baffled when I said Mickey Mouse and friends live in the US and therefore do not speak Chinese when she was watching the dubbed version (despite not understanding Chinese herself, aiyo this budak ah), will be the one insisting to teach me chess in a few years down the road ;)
She's also left me wondering about signing off with a rocket on her drawing. Well, I assume it's a rocket which means that her political affiliation has developed seriously extremely prematurely early man. OR it's actually not a rocket but a candle? I don't know, but I have a feeling this girl is trying to send apolitical me a message involving a certain party. A rocket in the dark?!!?? LOL!
Tuesday, 16 September 2008
Disorientated
These days, it takes me a while to figure out what day, date or even time is it. Sunrise or sunset makes no difference. Rain or shine does not matter as I'll still be indoors, sometimes too engrossed to even look out of the window. This place which robs me off 95% of my waking hours has now qualified to be called home. I'm here day, night, weekday, weekend, amounting to sometimes more than 18/7. Hell I'm even here when I'm officially off duty. A little bit of manipulation and I'm connected to cyberspace. Addiction appeased. At least I know I'm not the only one when I see this guy who comes regularly for his dose of Naruto and Bleach when he's supposed to be recharging himself for the next onslaught. Sigh I wonder how people trust disorientated people like myself to assess whether another person's marbles are rattling :P
Thursday, 28 August 2008
Love and Lust
Situation: You love someone but you can't go without the thrill of sneaking behind his / her back to share your abundant love with someone else
Hypothesis: If you love someone, you won't hurt him / her
Strategy: Lead multiple lives without one knowing the existence of the other(s)
Rationale: If you love someone enough, you would die to see your loved one's ignorance shattered to pieces. But YOU would die too if you had to give up your vice. You might love just the one but without the other you could not love as much you can him / her now. Your soul is hungry for thrills and only when satiated can it be translated into love which you generously share with the one and only.
Conclusion: If you HAVE to cheat, you would by all means cheat behind his / her back. If you cheat openly, you're frankly nothing but a prick.
Note: That is my view on the difference between polygamy and (discrete) adultery. Cheating is wrong. But if what is wrong is unavoidable, then the lesser of the two evil = discrete adultery.
Open adultery = polygamy = Fucked up.
So there you go. My penny's worth of thought. In summary ignorance IS bliss.
Hypothesis: If you love someone, you won't hurt him / her
Strategy: Lead multiple lives without one knowing the existence of the other(s)
Rationale: If you love someone enough, you would die to see your loved one's ignorance shattered to pieces. But YOU would die too if you had to give up your vice. You might love just the one but without the other you could not love as much you can him / her now. Your soul is hungry for thrills and only when satiated can it be translated into love which you generously share with the one and only.
Conclusion: If you HAVE to cheat, you would by all means cheat behind his / her back. If you cheat openly, you're frankly nothing but a prick.
Note: That is my view on the difference between polygamy and (discrete) adultery. Cheating is wrong. But if what is wrong is unavoidable, then the lesser of the two evil = discrete adultery.
Open adultery = polygamy = Fucked up.
So there you go. My penny's worth of thought. In summary ignorance IS bliss.
Friday, 15 August 2008
Warm and Fuzzy Inside :))))
Have not felt this good since I started work. It was a super busy day. We were all knackered and starving but the 'picnic lunch over paperwork' was surprisingly better than the lunch in the canteen. And when the girls downstairs gave us their leftover chocolate fudge cake at 6pm we were over the moon! Nothing satisfies a bunch of hungry and tired rascals and we just laughed our way upstairs. The change in mood was sooo obvious and the girls were simply amazed. The 10 minute break for cake was a great booster.
I don't know whether it's the endorphin or the fact that I realised that my team is an amazing bunch. And that we'll survive no matter how crazy busy or downhill things are going. And for that I'm happily doing unpaid overtime today. Not that I'm a workaholic but it's so satisfying seeing the shaded boxes in the jobs list. One more thing done and the urge to do another. Damn OCD man hehe...
Well I suppose it's OK since this is the team that I'm happy to work with. I'm grateful I'm working with them and I know everything will be alright... well.. alright til maybe the next 'military check' tomorrow morning when we might be blasted for forgetting something. Oh well, my skin's damn thick already... Yeah everything will be alright (fingers crossed xxx) :))))
I don't know whether it's the endorphin or the fact that I realised that my team is an amazing bunch. And that we'll survive no matter how crazy busy or downhill things are going. And for that I'm happily doing unpaid overtime today. Not that I'm a workaholic but it's so satisfying seeing the shaded boxes in the jobs list. One more thing done and the urge to do another. Damn OCD man hehe...
Well I suppose it's OK since this is the team that I'm happy to work with. I'm grateful I'm working with them and I know everything will be alright... well.. alright til maybe the next 'military check' tomorrow morning when we might be blasted for forgetting something. Oh well, my skin's damn thick already... Yeah everything will be alright (fingers crossed xxx) :))))
Tuesday, 12 August 2008
Chronic
Didn't realise my fatigue was so obvious til I was stopped by a stranger from across the street, 5 minutes away from my much needed bed.
"You look weary."
"Huh?"
Err do I know this guy? Fred, the caretaker? Sure doesn't look like him. Strains sleepy eyes, confirm not Fred.
He proceeds to speak louder. "You look weary. Have you been watching the Olympics?"
Man, I wish that was how I spent my last 3 sleepless nights. In front of the telly instead of running around like a headless chicken trying not to panic and barely able to keep things under control. Haiyo so not the time for a conversation la mister. I NEED my bed.
"It's been raining a lot in Beijing. I thought Beijing has nice weather. Is the rain normal?"
Ahh one of those moments. Confirm these ang mohs cannot differentiate Asian features. OK must come up with something fast, battery low...shutting down... shutting down...
"Yeah, it's monsoon season now. Cya!"
=.='
Anyways in the spirit of Olympics (and mistaken identity)- which I frankly have no clue about-or to that effect anything else that is happening outside the grey building that I'm imprisoned in during my waking hours, here's an MV filled with cutesy stars, which reminds me of my painful Hong Kong drama serials withdrawal.
Not the best MV but it grows on me after a while. Something about it that hits home. Can't really pinpoint what exactly. Yikes, why am I even trying to rationalise it? Decision making chip overheated >.<
Sigh, now I have to stay awake to reset my body clock. This rota is so so screwed up. 3 days off is realistically less than 2 days off as at least one day is spent recuperating after nights.
P/S: I have a job vacancy to offer to someone who could sort my life ie. an all-in-one maid/driver/PA/manager. Or better still someone who could work on behalf of me but the pay at the end of the month goes to my pocket la. Any takers? ;)
"You look weary."
"Huh?"
Err do I know this guy? Fred, the caretaker? Sure doesn't look like him. Strains sleepy eyes, confirm not Fred.
He proceeds to speak louder. "You look weary. Have you been watching the Olympics?"
Man, I wish that was how I spent my last 3 sleepless nights. In front of the telly instead of running around like a headless chicken trying not to panic and barely able to keep things under control. Haiyo so not the time for a conversation la mister. I NEED my bed.
"It's been raining a lot in Beijing. I thought Beijing has nice weather. Is the rain normal?"
Ahh one of those moments. Confirm these ang mohs cannot differentiate Asian features. OK must come up with something fast, battery low...shutting down... shutting down...
"Yeah, it's monsoon season now. Cya!"
=.='
Anyways in the spirit of Olympics (and mistaken identity)- which I frankly have no clue about-or to that effect anything else that is happening outside the grey building that I'm imprisoned in during my waking hours, here's an MV filled with cutesy stars, which reminds me of my painful Hong Kong drama serials withdrawal.
Not the best MV but it grows on me after a while. Something about it that hits home. Can't really pinpoint what exactly. Yikes, why am I even trying to rationalise it? Decision making chip overheated >.<
Sigh, now I have to stay awake to reset my body clock. This rota is so so screwed up. 3 days off is realistically less than 2 days off as at least one day is spent recuperating after nights.
P/S: I have a job vacancy to offer to someone who could sort my life ie. an all-in-one maid/driver/PA/manager. Or better still someone who could work on behalf of me but the pay at the end of the month goes to my pocket la. Any takers? ;)
Monday, 4 August 2008
Let Your Imagination Run Wild
Let's see...if I had the chance to pick just any gift for a fellow Nuffnanger, I would most certainly choose to reward none other than the co-owner of this blog. The girl who reciprocates my smile with a grin, my ideas with actions, my walk with skips and my whispers with giggles. The girl who could not fathom the meaning of logic and laughs at my worries. This is the girl who would talk to birds to find out whether they have ears, plant apple seeds in yoghurt pots of soil in an attempt to grow apple trees in the fridge and press vending machine buttons without inserting any money prior to that yet almost always end up with something courtesy of those around, strangers included. This is the girl who believes that her toys will come out and play by themselves when everyone is asleep. This is the girl who sees what others don't and enjoys sharing her escapades with those who dare to admit that unicorns are actually the cousins of fairies.
So...for this very special girl, I have chosen ...
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a Canon Digital Video Camcorder HV20 from Realmart. This will undoubtedly keep her entertained for hours and the best part is many others would gain to benefit from her adventures as they envision what she sees through her eye lenses. Get the latest scoop on the latest scandals. Explore the world of singing buttons and evil lemons. And if we are lucky, we might even get a glimpse of her toys having a party by themselves!
Post brought to you in relation to Nuffnang Gift Ideas Contest ;)
So...for this very special girl, I have chosen ...
.jpg)
a Canon Digital Video Camcorder HV20 from Realmart. This will undoubtedly keep her entertained for hours and the best part is many others would gain to benefit from her adventures as they envision what she sees through her eye lenses. Get the latest scoop on the latest scandals. Explore the world of singing buttons and evil lemons. And if we are lucky, we might even get a glimpse of her toys having a party by themselves!Post brought to you in relation to Nuffnang Gift Ideas Contest ;)
Sunday, 3 August 2008
Do I Have To Be So Kiam?
Got the first sight of my new place today and I'm utterly gutted. So what everybody's been saying is true afterall. All this while and I just brushed the comments and advices aside, thinking that they might just be fussy and have expensive tastes (despite me being one of the most critical around). My brain told me not to believe until I have seen it for myself. I conjured up the worst image, made rough plans on how to cope with not having internet access and had strategies of moving gradually ie living at 2 places until I'm completely settled in the new place. I don't know how polygamous people do it but just the thought of planning which bed I'm sleeping in a certain day in a week leaves me drained. Anyways all that clearly wasn't enough to prepare me for today.
The room is half the size of my current room which is more than expected from the generous descriptions of other predecessors. Already planned for disposal of unnecessary belongings, although I know for sure that wouldn't even be sufficient- yes it's TINY-more suitable for a hamster. The furnishings or lack thereof leave much to be desired. Who builds wooden furniture and leave the insides unsanded? And neither painted nor varnished? If proper nice wood can la haiyo...So called wardrobe, chest drawers are that basic. OK reminds self the rent's bloody bloody cheap. Although it used to be free.. but even with an unfair charge now, it's still bloody bloody cheap! Yeah I could probably adapt to this shabby room since I spend most of my time hibernating away anyway.
Wandered out to have a better feel of the place. This IS a dorm. So MANY people on this floor alone. Fine- can deal with it. Kitchen's equipped with basic appliances. That's it. So many people and just a table and 2 chairs? Minimal space for personal belongings ie have to convert miniscule bedroom into studio bedroom. Have to lug crockery, cutlery and food out into the kitchen and back into room each time I feel like having a meal? Starts psyching self... Well, it's not even conducive for meal preparations, so maybe I could live on biscuits all year round? And alternate it with meals from the errr 'nutritious' canteen?
Next stop. Toilets. Errr.. Cubicles of just toilet bowls. Looks clean. Ok I guess... Move on. Showers. How in the world do so many people share that number of showers and baths (who the hell uses baths in shared accommodation?!!??)? Did the maths and realised word about people having to queue for them is well more than logical. It IS definitely true! Die Die!!!!
OK shabby room I can possibly ignore if I try really really hard. No proper showering facilities cannot la wei. Shower also feel guilty coz there's a whole line waiting after you. How la? Somemore no internet o_O How to tahan for a year like this?!??!
So tempted to go look for a proper place to rent now. But it'll definitely cost about 4 times more. And truthfully this shithole is irresistably cheap! In all my years here, NOWHERE else can be this cheap. But then again, even if it was still free, I admit I'd still think twice. It's frankly not fit for occupancy, not only it's unethical to charge for it from this year onwards, it's a safety hazard- to physical (eeewww going without showers for 3 days etc) and mental (thinking that people are noticing the build up of dirt on your skin) wellbeing! This is the worst place ever la, shockingly even more than any existing student accommodation. BUT it's DIRT CHEAP!
The thing is I'm currently paying 3 times more. If I had it my way, I'll continue staying here despite the higher rent since I'm so attached to this place plus lazy to move also. What to do, the downside of not being a student anymore means I can't stay in fuss-free all-in student accommodations any longer. Sigh...
So how la? Should I try this crappy place out which by the way is only 2 minutes away from my workplace? Could possibly do the alternate nights here and there before I'm officially evicted end of this month just to get a feel...Hmmm...I wonder whether the money saved will be used towards treating my future skin disease and other associated disorders which I predict will develop soon enough if I go with this option.
OR stop being kiam AND greedy and just go look for a proper place to live? BUT the monetary difference in potential savings is actually quite significant especially after conversion. Argh!!! BUT (ok this is the last but) what is the point of working day and night and yet at the end of it not being able to even look forward to heading back to a nice comfy place to unwind? Haiyo... see la, that's why I said home is best. Sigh...
The room is half the size of my current room which is more than expected from the generous descriptions of other predecessors. Already planned for disposal of unnecessary belongings, although I know for sure that wouldn't even be sufficient- yes it's TINY-more suitable for a hamster. The furnishings or lack thereof leave much to be desired. Who builds wooden furniture and leave the insides unsanded? And neither painted nor varnished? If proper nice wood can la haiyo...So called wardrobe, chest drawers are that basic. OK reminds self the rent's bloody bloody cheap. Although it used to be free.. but even with an unfair charge now, it's still bloody bloody cheap! Yeah I could probably adapt to this shabby room since I spend most of my time hibernating away anyway.
Wandered out to have a better feel of the place. This IS a dorm. So MANY people on this floor alone. Fine- can deal with it. Kitchen's equipped with basic appliances. That's it. So many people and just a table and 2 chairs? Minimal space for personal belongings ie have to convert miniscule bedroom into studio bedroom. Have to lug crockery, cutlery and food out into the kitchen and back into room each time I feel like having a meal? Starts psyching self... Well, it's not even conducive for meal preparations, so maybe I could live on biscuits all year round? And alternate it with meals from the errr 'nutritious' canteen?
Next stop. Toilets. Errr.. Cubicles of just toilet bowls. Looks clean. Ok I guess... Move on. Showers. How in the world do so many people share that number of showers and baths (who the hell uses baths in shared accommodation?!!??)? Did the maths and realised word about people having to queue for them is well more than logical. It IS definitely true! Die Die!!!!
OK shabby room I can possibly ignore if I try really really hard. No proper showering facilities cannot la wei. Shower also feel guilty coz there's a whole line waiting after you. How la? Somemore no internet o_O How to tahan for a year like this?!??!
So tempted to go look for a proper place to rent now. But it'll definitely cost about 4 times more. And truthfully this shithole is irresistably cheap! In all my years here, NOWHERE else can be this cheap. But then again, even if it was still free, I admit I'd still think twice. It's frankly not fit for occupancy, not only it's unethical to charge for it from this year onwards, it's a safety hazard- to physical (eeewww going without showers for 3 days etc) and mental (thinking that people are noticing the build up of dirt on your skin) wellbeing! This is the worst place ever la, shockingly even more than any existing student accommodation. BUT it's DIRT CHEAP!
The thing is I'm currently paying 3 times more. If I had it my way, I'll continue staying here despite the higher rent since I'm so attached to this place plus lazy to move also. What to do, the downside of not being a student anymore means I can't stay in fuss-free all-in student accommodations any longer. Sigh...
So how la? Should I try this crappy place out which by the way is only 2 minutes away from my workplace? Could possibly do the alternate nights here and there before I'm officially evicted end of this month just to get a feel...Hmmm...I wonder whether the money saved will be used towards treating my future skin disease and other associated disorders which I predict will develop soon enough if I go with this option.
OR stop being kiam AND greedy and just go look for a proper place to live? BUT the monetary difference in potential savings is actually quite significant especially after conversion. Argh!!! BUT (ok this is the last but) what is the point of working day and night and yet at the end of it not being able to even look forward to heading back to a nice comfy place to unwind? Haiyo... see la, that's why I said home is best. Sigh...
Tuesday, 29 July 2008
Last Day of Summer 2008
Came back to a lifeless room, devoid of any living soul, not even the briefest sight of my 8-legged live-in partner Fat Spidey.
Nobody's grumbling, nagging, or convincing me to check and recheck things, and neither is anybody up to any mischief, cracking silly jokes and laughing with and at me. Nobody's driving me up the wall, and neither can I drive anybody up the wall. Neither can I grumble, nag and do the whole mirror response thing with anybody. A box of plasters, a pile of crumpled tissue papers, a couple of coins and a supply of Maggi Mee were all that was left to remind me that this room had seen better days.
No more commanding and demanding, no more endless ice creams in the garden, no more late night movies, no more making one-sided deals.
I watched with a heavy heart as they walked away and as I turned in the opposite direction to head to a different terminal alone, I knew this was the last day of summer for me.
Nobody's grumbling, nagging, or convincing me to check and recheck things, and neither is anybody up to any mischief, cracking silly jokes and laughing with and at me. Nobody's driving me up the wall, and neither can I drive anybody up the wall. Neither can I grumble, nag and do the whole mirror response thing with anybody. A box of plasters, a pile of crumpled tissue papers, a couple of coins and a supply of Maggi Mee were all that was left to remind me that this room had seen better days.
No more commanding and demanding, no more endless ice creams in the garden, no more late night movies, no more making one-sided deals.
I watched with a heavy heart as they walked away and as I turned in the opposite direction to head to a different terminal alone, I knew this was the last day of summer for me.
Thursday, 17 July 2008
Edinburgh Did The Trick
I think I've found the missing link!
What's been bothering me the most might be the absence of the hustle and bustle of city life. A trip to Edinburgh also reminded me of how much I used to love the sound of bagpipes and still do.
The crowd, the retail outlets, the entertainment, the whole shebang on money making schemes.
The architecture on a sunny day that still manages to stop me in my tracks.
The sight of gifted animals that abide by traffic laws.
Amidst the bellows of bagpipes, I knew that the novelty of being in Scotland hasn't completely worn off. The charms are still in place. Should have applied to Edinburgh instead! Dang!
What's been bothering me the most might be the absence of the hustle and bustle of city life. A trip to Edinburgh also reminded me of how much I used to love the sound of bagpipes and still do.
The crowd, the retail outlets, the entertainment, the whole shebang on money making schemes.
The architecture on a sunny day that still manages to stop me in my tracks.
The sight of gifted animals that abide by traffic laws.Amidst the bellows of bagpipes, I knew that the novelty of being in Scotland hasn't completely worn off. The charms are still in place. Should have applied to Edinburgh instead! Dang!
Saturday, 12 July 2008
Reminiscing on Dreams
What is it about some dreams that make them so real and occupy our thoughts for the rest of the day wondering about what-ifs and what-could-have-beens? Are they really manifestations of subconscious thoughts? Or platforms for us to express or practice our perfected scripted dramas?
Theory has it that one only obtains a restful night if not bothered by dreams. I beg to differ. I, for one, love my endless dreams and look forward to them at every possible opportunity. Maybe I wouldn't say so if most of my dreams weren't pleasant. But, one thing for sure, dreaming is like a hobby for me, even if I don't remember much for long, I'll have the sensation of having been to a good movie if the dream-of-the-day is an enjoyable one.
Then there are also those recurrent ones with people from my past, their presence so strong as though I have not gone a day without embracing myself in their facades. The stature, the demeanour, the smile, the speech and even the scent are so vivid that I believe I'm in another world altogether- the place where I want to be. And when the phone rang this morning to disrupt my fairytale, my groggy self was too hung up on getting back to my parallel life to even be annoyed. Unfortunately, like all dreams, they rarely EVER continue where they've left off...
However, this makes me wonder...do people you dream about dream of you too? And if they do, would they even consider telling you? Or would ego be in the way for fear of being seen as a freak?
Theory has it that one only obtains a restful night if not bothered by dreams. I beg to differ. I, for one, love my endless dreams and look forward to them at every possible opportunity. Maybe I wouldn't say so if most of my dreams weren't pleasant. But, one thing for sure, dreaming is like a hobby for me, even if I don't remember much for long, I'll have the sensation of having been to a good movie if the dream-of-the-day is an enjoyable one.
Then there are also those recurrent ones with people from my past, their presence so strong as though I have not gone a day without embracing myself in their facades. The stature, the demeanour, the smile, the speech and even the scent are so vivid that I believe I'm in another world altogether- the place where I want to be. And when the phone rang this morning to disrupt my fairytale, my groggy self was too hung up on getting back to my parallel life to even be annoyed. Unfortunately, like all dreams, they rarely EVER continue where they've left off...
However, this makes me wonder...do people you dream about dream of you too? And if they do, would they even consider telling you? Or would ego be in the way for fear of being seen as a freak?
Wednesday, 2 July 2008
Brain Gone Loopy
Checked my email last night and completely freaked out as the contents meant that circumstances had changed and that would influence my decision. From 85:15 the scales had tipped to 45:55. And it completely spoilt my mood. Went to bed enacting different option plans, trying to figure out what is it that I really want, wondering whether this is fate and hypothesing whether this may be a blessing in disguise to edge me to take charge and face my demons. My hyper happy mood was obliterated and replaced with the familiar anxiety just by a single email!
Woke up this morning, and suddenly it hit me that I had misinterpreted the contents! Which means that I'm back at square 1 and that I freaked out for nothing. Why is it that I have a tendency to do that, and would out of the blue find answers or solutions upon waking up? Haiya... so now, I'm back to happy, the hyperness is escalating as the hours tick by coz my clan's arriving today!!!! It's not just about homesickness, and being with loved ones, but I also believe they will help me see things as they are clearly and keep me right. Probably should let them rest a bit before I pounce on them, but I bet there's little chance of that and knowing me, they'll expect that too. Afterall, in my whole life, nobody could disrupt my sleep as I would be really grumpy, but if I see them resting or sleeping when I'm wide awake, aha... time to start poking , tickling and pulling hehe...
That's it... no more worries for the timebeing, I'll be occupied and too busy enjoying the company of my folks ;)
Woke up this morning, and suddenly it hit me that I had misinterpreted the contents! Which means that I'm back at square 1 and that I freaked out for nothing. Why is it that I have a tendency to do that, and would out of the blue find answers or solutions upon waking up? Haiya... so now, I'm back to happy, the hyperness is escalating as the hours tick by coz my clan's arriving today!!!! It's not just about homesickness, and being with loved ones, but I also believe they will help me see things as they are clearly and keep me right. Probably should let them rest a bit before I pounce on them, but I bet there's little chance of that and knowing me, they'll expect that too. Afterall, in my whole life, nobody could disrupt my sleep as I would be really grumpy, but if I see them resting or sleeping when I'm wide awake, aha... time to start poking , tickling and pulling hehe...
That's it... no more worries for the timebeing, I'll be occupied and too busy enjoying the company of my folks ;)
Sunday, 29 June 2008
Bruised Arm
No skin prep. Fine.
No gloves. Fine.
No skin traction. Fine.
No warning. Fine.
PAIN on puncture instead of prickly sensation. Suspicious.
Drop of blood at puncture site. More suspicious.
Persisting PAIN during procedure. Looked at drop of blood. Thinks to self: Double puncture. Did needle go through the other side of the vein?
Resumed vampire duties amidst persisting PAIN for the rest of the day. Thinks to self: Bloody nurse no skill. Lucky I insisted left arm. Hope I won't inflict similar anguish on my preys today. Maybe I had done so in the past and this is plain karma?
Removed inproperly positioned plaster the next morning and noticed...
Courtesy of a 'very skillful' nurseWtf?!??! This is sooo not karma. Never have blood tests been painful and so memorable (literally) for me. And I usually have a high pain threshold. Plus I sure as hell didn't ask for a temporary tattoo. Unless I did and my memory has failed me again. Seriously...really no skill man.
P/S: Hope nothing happens to me when I go back for my booster jabs on Monday ''=.=''
Saturday, 28 June 2008
Relieved
I feel so much better knowing that the people I care most DO understand. Although I'm still non-commital, I am more than relieved to know that they will back me up regardless of my chosen path. And this is the source of my courage right now. The most beautiful part is, I didn't need to spell it out. They somehow know. And thus I'm extremely glad.
All along I have been thriving solely on my competitive nature. The satisfaction of obtaining what many desire was far greater than the magnitude of the achievements themselves. The buzz was so addictive to the point that I sometimes would attempt a good fight for something that I had the littlest interest in. And suddenly one day I woke up to find that this was no longer fun. Maybe this was just too easy. Maybe it's because I want a different challenge. A proper challenge. Maybe because it finally hit me that I want more. More than what I have currently.
I'm weary of thinking and acting in a herd mentality manner. I'm tired of just-in-cases. I'm bored with meaningless races. I'm worried that the future doesn't intrigue me anymore. Or rather I'm in the "do now, think later" phase.
Going against the grain is the main attractive option now. Some would say that that's a foolish move but I see it as a challenge. Possibly THE new challenge to keep my torch burning. If I stumble and fall, go ahead and scream "I told you so!!!", but til then I'm all gung-ho to give it a shot despite my niggling reservations. And frankly, even if I DID fall, I'm positive I will find my way up on my feet again somehow or rather.
That said, I'm a lazy coward through and through. I have yet to decide. If circumstances change in my deliberation phase, I may just opt for the easy way out. For now. That is til I find the confidence to move on. If not, I'm all set for a new game altogether ;)
All along I have been thriving solely on my competitive nature. The satisfaction of obtaining what many desire was far greater than the magnitude of the achievements themselves. The buzz was so addictive to the point that I sometimes would attempt a good fight for something that I had the littlest interest in. And suddenly one day I woke up to find that this was no longer fun. Maybe this was just too easy. Maybe it's because I want a different challenge. A proper challenge. Maybe because it finally hit me that I want more. More than what I have currently.
I'm weary of thinking and acting in a herd mentality manner. I'm tired of just-in-cases. I'm bored with meaningless races. I'm worried that the future doesn't intrigue me anymore. Or rather I'm in the "do now, think later" phase.
Going against the grain is the main attractive option now. Some would say that that's a foolish move but I see it as a challenge. Possibly THE new challenge to keep my torch burning. If I stumble and fall, go ahead and scream "I told you so!!!", but til then I'm all gung-ho to give it a shot despite my niggling reservations. And frankly, even if I DID fall, I'm positive I will find my way up on my feet again somehow or rather.
That said, I'm a lazy coward through and through. I have yet to decide. If circumstances change in my deliberation phase, I may just opt for the easy way out. For now. That is til I find the confidence to move on. If not, I'm all set for a new game altogether ;)
Tuesday, 24 June 2008
I Feel Like Running Away
Right, I KNOW how very blessed I am, how many would readily trade places with me and how I should be living the moment instead of feeling trapped, frustrated and angry. I'm not contented. Simply said, I just am not happy. My thought processes are running at full steam, my conscience and my heart are not at peace with each other. Silence one, and the other goes bonkers or rather I'll go bonkers... sooner or later.
Is this part of being an adult? Making decisions that would have effects for years down the line? Ditching dreams and conforming to norms? Delivering what's expected of me? Concealing my true thoughts so as not to offend? Swallowing responsibilities at the expense of my ideals? Turning my back to the child in me? Prioritising for the unforseeable future rather than leaping at the sight of instant gratifications?
If so, can I please please be granted a break as I'm not ready to grow up. In fact, I don't want to grow up. For as long as possible.
Is this part of being an adult? Making decisions that would have effects for years down the line? Ditching dreams and conforming to norms? Delivering what's expected of me? Concealing my true thoughts so as not to offend? Swallowing responsibilities at the expense of my ideals? Turning my back to the child in me? Prioritising for the unforseeable future rather than leaping at the sight of instant gratifications?
If so, can I please please be granted a break as I'm not ready to grow up. In fact, I don't want to grow up. For as long as possible.
Saturday, 21 June 2008
Thank YOU!!!
Thanks so much for...
all the love and support....
goofing around, cracking silly jokes and daring me to do things that I'd never have guts to face otherwise...
laughing with and at me...
cheering me up when I'm down...
listening to all my rantings...
your honest thoughts...
voicing my suppressed words when I can't even bring myself to whisper it...
reassuring me that everything will be alright like how it has always been...
pushing me to strive out of my lazy shell...
rooting for me through thick and thin...
expecting my inevitable anxiety after every bloody exam regardless how (well-according to you) it went, accepting that it's never going to get better but worse as I grow older, admonishing me for being too critical or 'kiasu' as you describe it, and yet worry silently with me...
being more happy for me than I can ever be for myself...
Thank YOU!!!
all the love and support....
goofing around, cracking silly jokes and daring me to do things that I'd never have guts to face otherwise...
laughing with and at me...
cheering me up when I'm down...
listening to all my rantings...
your honest thoughts...
voicing my suppressed words when I can't even bring myself to whisper it...
reassuring me that everything will be alright like how it has always been...
pushing me to strive out of my lazy shell...
rooting for me through thick and thin...
expecting my inevitable anxiety after every bloody exam regardless how (well-according to you) it went, accepting that it's never going to get better but worse as I grow older, admonishing me for being too critical or 'kiasu' as you describe it, and yet worry silently with me...
being more happy for me than I can ever be for myself...
Thank YOU!!!
Thursday, 12 June 2008
Bah Humbug
Been back in Aberdeen for 2 days. Have already had a night of interrupted sleep thanks to annoyingly loud flatmate. Then again it might be my fault for sleeping at 7pm. The point when I seriously considered to clobber her head off amidst my drowsiness may very well have been only 9pm or even earlier. That said if it was not for her jolting me awake every now and then, how could I then not be refreshed after 12 hours of sleep?!!?
Then there's the part where the kitchen is beyond filthy. After lugging my luggage up the stairs, I had to empty the bin then lug down bags of rubbish which were left on the kitchen floor creating a fort around the bin, the tops agape with contents visible to all- damn bloody disgusting! I haven't even mentioned the sinks. Hoho.. they were both clogged up with dishes and food remnants. The interesting bit is how one side had the same plates from 2 months ago. Live culture experiment yipee!!! From the looks of it, the cleaner was obviously MIA last week. But then again, how difficult could it be to bring rubbish downstairs on the way out? And people complain they don't exercise enough.Haiyo don't ask me how people (or if you want to be sexist, girls) can stand living like that. I'm wondering as well.
This reminds me of my weed-loving flatmate 2 years ago. Being the only guy in the flat, he was surprisingly pretty clean, taking the rubbish out and all. The only thing is the smell of pot in the kitchen which arguably gives a certain oomph to the food prepared there. At least he's neat! Ha! And come exam time, he nags me to study when he catches me watching Sex and the City reruns instead. So yeah, between pot and hygiene, I choose hygiene. It would be great if there wasn't a catch but life's unfair like that.
His lil' ashtray
Oh and speaking of exams, my panic sensor's faulty!
Less than 5 days to finals..I haven't revised and this is my most unprepared form to date yet I don't seem to have the urgency to crash-revise. Looks like I need to have loads of luck to bullshit my way through next week. Dam di da doom la la la...
Fingers tightly crossed xxx
Then there's the part where the kitchen is beyond filthy. After lugging my luggage up the stairs, I had to empty the bin then lug down bags of rubbish which were left on the kitchen floor creating a fort around the bin, the tops agape with contents visible to all- damn bloody disgusting! I haven't even mentioned the sinks. Hoho.. they were both clogged up with dishes and food remnants. The interesting bit is how one side had the same plates from 2 months ago. Live culture experiment yipee!!! From the looks of it, the cleaner was obviously MIA last week. But then again, how difficult could it be to bring rubbish downstairs on the way out? And people complain they don't exercise enough.Haiyo don't ask me how people (or if you want to be sexist, girls) can stand living like that. I'm wondering as well.
This reminds me of my weed-loving flatmate 2 years ago. Being the only guy in the flat, he was surprisingly pretty clean, taking the rubbish out and all. The only thing is the smell of pot in the kitchen which arguably gives a certain oomph to the food prepared there. At least he's neat! Ha! And come exam time, he nags me to study when he catches me watching Sex and the City reruns instead. So yeah, between pot and hygiene, I choose hygiene. It would be great if there wasn't a catch but life's unfair like that.
His lil' ashtrayOh and speaking of exams, my panic sensor's faulty!
Less than 5 days to finals..I haven't revised and this is my most unprepared form to date yet I don't seem to have the urgency to crash-revise. Looks like I need to have loads of luck to bullshit my way through next week. Dam di da doom la la la...
Fingers tightly crossed xxx
Thursday, 5 June 2008
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