Relieved

I feel so much better knowing that the people I care most DO understand. Although I'm still non-commital, I am more than relieved to know that they will back me up regardless of my chosen path. And this is the source of my courage right now. The most beautiful part is, I didn't need to spell it out. They somehow know. And thus I'm extremely glad.

All along I have been thriving solely on my competitive nature. The satisfaction of obtaining what many desire was far greater than the magnitude of the achievements themselves. The buzz was so addictive to the point that I sometimes would attempt a good fight for something that I had the littlest interest in. And suddenly one day I woke up to find that this was no longer fun. Maybe this was just too easy. Maybe it's because I want a different challenge. A proper challenge. Maybe because it finally hit me that I want more. More than what I have currently.

I'm weary of thinking and acting in a herd mentality manner. I'm tired of just-in-cases. I'm bored with meaningless races. I'm worried that the future doesn't intrigue me anymore. Or rather I'm in the "do now, think later" phase.

Going against the grain is the main attractive option now. Some would say that that's a foolish move but I see it as a challenge. Possibly THE new challenge to keep my torch burning. If I stumble and fall, go ahead and scream "I told you so!!!", but til then I'm all gung-ho to give it a shot despite my niggling reservations. And frankly, even if I DID fall, I'm positive I will find my way up on my feet again somehow or rather.

That said, I'm a lazy coward through and through. I have yet to decide. If circumstances change in my deliberation phase, I may just opt for the easy way out. For now. That is til I find the confidence to move on. If not, I'm all set for a new game altogether ;)