I Forgot...

The urgency of flipping pages in a fit of impatience.
The soothing dance of printed alphabets before me.
The vivid imagery of obvious voyeurism.
How could I ever forget?

Commitment Phobic

I'm seriously freaking out. I can't seem to catch up with time whilst people around me are achieving things bang on. Left, right and center people are signing up for courses and exams, pronouncing I do-s, popping out babies, signing legal documents, climbing the property ladder, charting a life for themselves whilst I... have no clue whatsoever what I want...no path... no direction...no target. And it's scaring the hell out of me.

How can people be so sure of their gut feelings?

How do they know they'll still enjoy doing the same specialty that they had vehemently competed for now 10-20-30 years down the line? That they'll not wish to swap for e.g. the scalpel for a tongue depressor or an imaginary pendulum (!) after endless sleepless nights?

How do they know that he/she is the one? That they'll work hard on sustaing the relationship for the rest of their lives no matter what? That they'll be able to nurture their family with unconditional love even when the going gets tough?

How do they know they won't regret their decisions? And that things will fall in place as long as there's faith? How?!!??

I don't get it. I can't even decide what to eat in a restaurant whatmore stand steadfast by ONE chosen option (plus a backup plan). It's like going to the mall, so many dazzling distractions, and you tend to leave with more than one item, and sometimes things that you have no use for but yet ended up in your possession because they were there tempting you.

How in the world am I supposed to decide what the next step is? I see the future as one big giant carnival whereby they are gems in every nook and corner. And they are all as tantalising as the other whereby I would want to stumble into each and every one and enjoy them at my own pace. But knowing that I have to come to a decison regarding my career option soon enough, I'm opening my eyes as wide as I can trying to detect a path amongst all the hulla-balloo. However all this eye straining has yet to bear any result and is just making me shudder in fear as the giant clock tower ticks towards closing time.

When Work Engulfs Play

Looked down and the tummy was huge! Unmistakably significantly more than the last time I checked.

Looked sideways and the reflection was similar to that of the typical textbook image of an axial cross-section of the male genitalia!

Pushed the massive bulge upwards and into where it belongs and stood still.

Released fingers and there it was again, popping out gradually and assuming its now natural position.

Felt the heart pounding harder with each second. No way am I going to get this fixed. The humiliation of a bunch of familiar people crowding around me gasping at the wonder that used to be my belly minus the extra appendage. The point of no return knowing that I would be lying unconscious (and naked beneath the flimsy gown) on the table being scrutinised and worked on. Simply cannot.

Just when my chest was about to explode, I found myself staring at a ceiling. Took me a while to orientate myself and when I finally figured my whereabouts and the time, I lifted my top and gave my tummy a good look. Same old flabbiness. Muffin tops and all but no projecting mass. Sideways checked. The usual pot belly.

Ahhhhhh.....

Bloody job! Had I not known the existence of hernias, would I even dream of having one? Would I?!!?? Maybe it's a sign that I'll develop one if I don't cut down on the pigging out ;) Seriously though, I need to sleep in peace +.+

Cannot Tahan

Hats off to people who can leave their skin blemishes alone. It's not like I've never tried, I have. But each and everytime I'd end up failing miserably succumbing to the temptation. The latest battle has left me making a mental note to try extremely hard the next time coz the result's pretty grim :P

See, I spotted this foreign being on the bulb of my nose one afternoon. I told myself, the whitehead's so small that it's not even noticeable and will clear up in due course. And the fact that I was running late meant it was momentarily spared. Later during the day, there finally came a time when we were alone. The bright glaring lights, the mirrors, and... the intruder. Little voice was chanting leave it..and I very consciously pictured the expected aftermath if I were to proceed. Stared at the top, focus, must focus, changed and stared mindlessly at the next top. How I wish I had a needle then, a sharp one.

I don't know what happened but when I came to I was shearing my skin with my blunt nails, knowing very well it will not reach the precise weak point. But I couldn't stop. I changed angles, I saw and felt blood, I evaluated the damage and I continued. As the site looked increasingly raw, I managed to yank my fingers away. The bloody whitehead was not the slightest bit unsettled and yes it was bloody- from the surrounding skin. Then there was this strong urge of getting my hands on a needle. Surely after all this, I should at least finish what I intended in the first place?

Yup I dumped the tops, headed home, and drained it to much relief. And then stared at what I had done. I knew I had an annoying obsession but I never thought the compulsion was that strong. If I knew, I could have just poked it before I left the house and ended up with a point-sized blemish compared to the huge raw wound that's obvious from 100 miles away now and hell knows when it'll heal or if it ever will!!!! The thing is, the bloody thing is not even noticeable to start off with unless someone scrutinises my face which would be impossible because why would any sane person want to do that? But then again, I knew of its existence and what are the chances of me not doing anything? Record so far 0% :( Ignorance is bliss...Yarrggghhh...

Fell asleep on the sofa cursing myself for lack of self control when suddenly a sharp pain jolted me. My mom was hovering over me poking my nose.
"Something's on your nose"
OK. Surely that can't be the first thing she noticed on arriving home from work. But there she was, bag on the floor, newspapers in the other hand, trying to 'brush away' the 'thing'. Then later on, there was the father who plonked down in front of the TV, turned towards me and completely forgot what he was going to say and instead asked
"Are you having a nose bleed?"
"Huh? No. You know I've never had a nose bleed. And I think I would know if I'm having one?"
"Is that not blood on your nose?"
"=.=' I scratched myself"
"Whoah, your nails must be very long"

Why? Why? And this was AFTER I've consoled myself that it really wouldn't look as bad to others as it does to myself. Why? WHY???!!! And in this season when I actually have to leave the house and try not to scare people? How la to admit it was self inflicted?!!!?? Now must come up with some kick-ass story to cover up. Seems scratching is not good enough yeeesh...

Sigh, maybe I should be banned from looking at mirrors. Or maybe I should be wearing mittens during my waking hours.

Clearing Out The Clutter

Too much baggage. Here I am being engulfed with remnants of memories, some of which I have hung on for far too long and some that I hope I'll never ever forget in my lifetime. The usual songs when I'm emoing are playing in the background. Funny how I always prefer to fall back on the familiar when I'm dissecting my life apart and trying to repiece them together.

It's been too long and I frankly don't have the strength to plough on with this bag of weights slowing me down anymore. I always forgive but unfortunately I don't forget. I have come to realise that my priorities are gradually changing and that I can no longer afford to hang onto meaningless promises and dreams built out of thin air. The slightest gestures mean the world to me. But without them, I'm unable to drive myself forward. So let me be selfish. Unlock the shackles and let me break away.

XXX Amsterdam XXX

This city has it all. Honestly. Absolutely brilliant depsite the fact that a slice of pizza and a small cup of coffee cost 6 euros. Everything's overpriced, they obviously know how to cash in on the tourists but what the heck man, the Amsterdam experience is priceless!
You've got to be very careful here. It's a dangerous city where you could easily die from being run over by a 'feet' (bicycle). The sheer number is just scary. And the way the locals ride them is scarier than the mat rempits back home.
This is not a bicycle scrapyard. It's a bicyclepark. How people recognise their wheelies I have no idea. With that number, the rate of thefts is still surprisingly high. And they are as cheap as 10 euros if you buy them from some dodgy guy in the alleys. Pointless buying pricey ones when they are just going to end up being stolen or found in the water of one of the many canals. Your eyes didn't deceive you. It's not the angle of the camera either. The buildings are slanted. Not because some people miscalculated and tried to pass it off as art. It actually served as a practical solution for the narrow build in that the beams at the top of those buildings meant goods/furniture/electrical appliances and the all important mattress could actually be transported into the house itself from the street via a pulley system without damaging the exterior. Coz simply trying to negotiate the teeny weeny stairs will not work. How the tallest nation grew to have a fascination for small things like these houses, smart cars, absinthe (i bet it's because they come in small shots), miniature food and possibly small people? is a wonder.

Maybe it's because of the international exposure it has had for yonks before you and me were born. It all started with herbs and spices trading. (And then people trading etc).
This is Multatuli, the guy who came up with a brilliant plan to foil attacks from pirates and thus saving the trade industry. By the way, Multatuli means "I've ejaculated". How very apt for Amsterdam.
With its colourful history, it's obviosly a cosmopolitan city. There's a whole load of food variety here and surprise surprise not just in Chinatown. Indonesian, Japanese, Korean, Western...Name it and you'll get it almost in any street. Even the guy in the 4th act of the 'live theatre' show was unmistakably foreign. Looks Thai to me. Ok that's a different story. Wait... Back to food first. Proper edible food ;)
This... ladies and gentleman is FEBO. It is the best invention EVER!!!!I'm not saying that because the Febo guy gave me 5 extra hot, richly filled creamy croquettes FOC on top of the 2 I actually paid for. Yup he just decided to present us with a trayful of goodies when he was on his break and asked us to help ourselves out of the kindness of his heart. People like that actually do exist k :) Seriously the Febo croquettes are absolutely yummy. I was too in love with the one I tried that I didn't bother trying other flavours or other stuff like the burgers, fries etc. But whoever came up with this idea of hot yummy food that comes out of vending machines, he/she is indeed a genius. At that point in time, it didn't matter that I was soaked from the rain or that I was trembling from the cold, all that was at stake was what came between me and my next bite. And obviously, NOTHING could stop me until I was physically too full (or maybe if I had ran out of coins if the free ones didn't come in time).. Ahhh Febo...:)))))

After food naturally comes drinks. This is where you see the word Heineken every 5 seconds either on the billboards, on hotel roofs, chillers. Oh as hip and cool as Amsterdam is, smoking and public drinking are illegal. But if you are discreet, it's tolerable. Yeah there will be no NYPD style drama if you start lighting up and walk around with a small bottle of lime Bacardi. The police there are not that free la... Haiyo...
Plus if you do it with style, you'd most probably get away with anything. As long as it's discreet. That's the keyword in Amsterdam. Like drugs. It is illegal in Amsterdam. I know. I'm just as surprised. Imagine only finding out when you are sitting in a dingy cell in some tempat tahanan. But then again, the definition of discreet sure is variable. It's easy enough to find hash lollies and space cakes in regular stores and they are super duper cheap. That's coz they only have a placebo effect. Might as well save those cash for Febo :) There are a couple of shops which sells the real thing though. And these are manned by professionals who can advise you on the amount, type, technique which would be suitable for you ensuring you don't strip and run around naked in the streets or jump down the building after having some magic vegetables from "Smart"shops or coffee which leaves you buzzing with a different high than the one you get from Starbucks.If you fancy some in a 'safe(r)' environment look for those that can be easily recognised by long queues of people or big fat cats lazing about who look so doped up to even blink at the sight of mice. There's one really packed one where Ocean 12 was filmed. And they play the movie clip repeatedly on their big screen. Speak of the attraction of Hollywood hehe...
Now not everything's illegal (officially) here. Like gambling. But I wouldn't recommend it. If there's one thing crap about Amsterdam, it's their casinos. Boring as hell. Maybe that's why they are known as the city of sex, drugs and drinks rather than say god of gamblers.Oh yes, the red light district...
There's an old church right in the middle of the red light district which was once booked by a blur Disney employee for a company function. But it all turned out well when some sort of last minute agreement between the child-friendly company and the residents ensured that the curtains of the many display windows were drawn tightly for that morning. Yeah, the area is alive 24/7, anytime of the day and the selection is vast. When I say vast I really mean VAST. Mainstream, young, err not so young, toned, flabby, different hues, heights etc tapping at the glasses. And they work 8 hours shift each. So, if you are damn _______(insert your own excuse), then go and window shop again 8 hours later. Price. Costly if you are an amateur and striking a deal without detailing what exactly you want beforehand can be rather foolish. Man, a woman CAN take 15 minutes to undress even with just a 2-piece bikini on and that's your time up ahahahaha....
There are also video cabins for discreet single individual action as an alternative if you really cannot tahan. Seriously boys have no self-control... I'm starting to like the word discreet :) Whatever it is, stay safe boys! Oh and bear in mind, this IS a legal profession like any other. And PLEASE PLEASE treat the women with respect. If you are wondering, there's no human trafficking involved. With the giant spotlight on the city, it's plain impossible. They don't take just any girl on the street. You've got to be an EU citizen and like any other job, have the right aptitude. Above 18s don't qualify either, you have to proof you have what it takes by maybe working in 'erotic nightclubs' (live sex theatres whatever you want to call them) first.

They are tonnes of these but the most popular/or rather touristy two would be the elephant one (can't remember the name except for the giant pink elephant in front of the premise) which is the most expensive at 35 euros per person and Moulin Rouge at 25 euros per person and if the 'bouncer' likes you, you get two free drinks included in the admission fee. Hahaha it's otherwise 35 euros with drinks. See why I love Amsterdam? Lots and lots of freebies, there are even free guided tours of the city! A snapshot of Moulin Rouge acts include strip dancing, women with talented vaginal muscles, sex games and ended with a couple having sex. Oh and you might well be picked for audience partcipation as well. In summary, I'd describe it as a heavy sex-themed comedy show rather than anything sleazy. Only one act was hot. My guy friend fell asleep when we looked his way. Though he might have pretended since he wanted to stay for another repeat round. Hmmm... Maybe the gajah one would have been less amateurish and more sizzling. That said Moulin Rouge was good fun. The bouncer was nice and we got free drinks also. So I give it a 3.5 star like our Hotel Ibis not Iblis la hehehe....
I hereby declare that I do not condone or edge or peer-pressure any vices on anybody OK? Any decision or action made is the result of your own machinery's inbuilt programme in that little hollow box of yours, the one on top your neck. Amsterdam is a lovely city with beautiful sights and sounds and has lots to offer for those into pure clean fun (yeah right). Seriously honestly. There's something for everybody. It is the safest place to be if you wanna let loose and go indulge in a little vice if it's your kinda thing, if not, just chill and have fun :)
Compare the two pictures. The first shows how the Dutch kiss whereas the latter Glaswegians. No wonder the lady in one of the acts repeatedly shoved the hands of one of the invited audience on stage away as his hands magically keeps creeping up to her hips and thighs. And Amsterdam IS safer than Glasgow. Enough said :)
Have a good day !!! xoxoxoxoxo

P/S: Again the pics are courtesy of my friend. I didn't take many as I was busy gaping at the distractions:)

Cologne, Germany

When you are skinned and kiam but wanting to go on holiday, the best way out is to search through Ryanair's site. If you have an adventurous streak or rather 'super kiam' nature, you'd go for the cheapest flight and end up randomly booking cheap flights to a place you've never heard of which is quite exciting really. Until you find out Ryanair's 'Dusseldorf airport' is not even in Dusseldorf which by the way has its own international airport. Thank goodness for the invention of internet and soon enough we found ourselves on the bus to Cologne which is 1.5 hours from the airport. We did pass Dusseldorf on the way but thought that we'd rather explore Germany's 4th biggest city first.

But seriously, how many monuments and castles and buildings can one see? Clearly there's a reason why I'm not in architecture. I know of people who enjoy going to these places etc, but unrefined me who think all Scottish castles are similar got bored to the point of thinking that the Cologne Cathedral looks eerily familiar. Reminds me of Marischal College. Yeah despite the fact that I spent an entire year of my life being holed up in Marischal's basement, I have yet to be able to appreciate the difference in their intricacies :)


The miserable weather didn't help either. The only thing that caught my eyes there were the bakery stores which I miss sorely. The Scots should really learn from the Germans on how to make quality pastries.



After a day of scoffing on sugar, the high still hasn't kicked in, so we decided to leave for somewhere more promising. Hopped on ICE (the intercity express train) and we were in Amsterdam in 2.5 hours :)

P/S: Pics were taken by one of my travelling partners :)